The Downward Spiral
by Black Goddess
Summary: How does Ken cope with the knowledge that he was harming innocent living creatures?
1. A Warm Place

A Warm Place  
By the Black Goddess  
  
Disclaimer: The story title is taken from the Nine Inch Nails album of the same name, so doesn't belong to me. The chapter title is track ten of the same album. It has no lyrics, so I can't include them anyway, but it is quite sad when you listen to it. Digimon is also not mine.   
  
A/N This contains issues such as self harm. If this may upset you, then please don't read it. I don't think self-harm is the best way of dealing with things, and I would advise you not to try it, as (fairly obviously) it can be a dangerous thing to do.  
  
Ken lay on his bed, listening to his mother cry in the other room. He couldn't cry any more. The events of the last few hours in the Digital world spun round his head. His defeat at the hands of the Digidestined, Wormmon's death - and the revelation that he had been torturing living beings and not, as he had thought, playing a computer game. He felt numb and empty. The full horror of what he had done was beginning to sink in. He couldn't believe the things he had done, how low he had sunk. And Wormmon! The faithful Digimon had stuck by him, had watched in horror as his friend enslaved his people for his own amusement, had endured his cruel remarks and his beatings, believing right to the end that Ken could be saved.  
"It's too late" Ken had told him. But Wormmon had refused to believe it, and then he had died. Ken knew he was responsible for Wormmon's death, and the knowledge sent a ripple of anguish through him. He clambered off his bed and quietly went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and moving with swift steps to the cupboard holding his father's spare razor blades. He opened one and stood, holding it in his hand. He looked at his face in the mirror.  
"What have I done?" he said soundlessly. His face stared back, impassive. "What have I done?" he moaned. He stared again at the razor.  
'Do I dare kill myself?' he thought. 'The world will be better without me in it.' He put the razor to his wrist and began to push down. The pain felt like a bright spark, sending an adrenaline bolt through his body. He began to press harder, but suddenly Davis's voice came back to him.  
"Don't run away from your problems Ken"  
"I'm not running away" he answered out loud. "This is my only choice. How can I live with what I have done?"  
"You're a Digidestined too Ken, just like us, and you have a responsibility to both worlds." The voice echoed in his head, answering his thoughts. Ken took the razor away from his wrist with a sigh and looked at the thin trickle of blood running down his arm. The adrenaline had gone, and suddenly he felt even more tired.  
"I'll stay" he said. "I'll try not to run away again."  
Ken moved over to the sink and washed away the blood. He had only made a thin cut - one which would be easy to hide. He cleaned it up and went to bed. But he hid the razor in his desk, remembering the sudden rush of clarity it had seemed to bring.  
'Home' he thought quietly, his mother's sobs echoing in his mind.  
'A warm place.'   
Then Ken turned over and cried himself to sleep with bitter tears.  
  
  
  



	2. Hurt

Hurt  
By the Black Goddess  
  
Disclaimer: Digimon isn't mine. I don't own the characters. The chapter title is taken from the Nine Inch Nails song of the same name, on the Downward Spiral album (track 14).   
  
  
Ken sat on the edge of his bed, breathing deeply and trying to focus. He had insisted on going back to school as soon as possible - the last thing he wanted right now was quality time at home with his parents - so why did he feel so nervous?  
'Because they'll be asking you questions.' he thought, his stomach clenching. 'Questions that you can't answer' For a moment he wished that he could stay at home, delay the feeling of everyone looking at him, thinking he was crazy.  
'It won't get any easier' he told himself sternly. 'Get it over with. They'll forget you in a week.' He stood up and headed for the door.  
"I'm going now Mum" he called.  
"Are you sure you're ready Ken?" she asked anxiously. Ken nodded.  
"I must be very behind" he said, hating himself as he said the one thing that would convince her to let him go. "I should start catching up as soon as possible."  
"If you're sure." she said. Was he imagining things, or did a flicker of relief cross her face? He wasn't sure.  
"Have a nice day and don't worry. I'm sure you'll be able to catch up "  
"Bye Mum." he said. 'So what if I am behind? I'm advanced for my age' he thought icily as he walked out of the door. 'Why can she not see it's not the work I'm worried about. Everyone knows I ran away - they'll all be looking at me like I'm some dangerous animal, wondering where I went, and why. They'll ask questions I can't answer, and I just know I'll do something I'll regret.' Ken shuddered slightly, remembering how Wormmon had vanished from his arms just over a week ago in the Digiworld. He walked slightly quicker.  
  
School was even worse than Ken had expected. No one asked him where he had been or why he had gone, though he knew they were wondering. No one mentioned his disappearance at all, even though it had lasted for several months, they all just expected him to come back straight into the middle of things as he had always been.   
"Coming to soccer practice tonight?" the coach asked as he passed him in the corridor. 'Soccer - Davis, the others with their real Digimon'   
"Can I have the night off, maybe come back next week?" he asked.  
"If you want. You're our star player Ken - the team needs you"  
"I know. I'll come next week" promised Ken. Inside of him, he was crying.  
He could feel them looking at him though. Every time he walked into a room there seemed to be a sudden hush, before the people started talking again. He was sure people were looking at him funny. Ken couldn't wait for the day to be over.  
When the last bell went, he headed as quickly as possible for the outside. He turned to go home, but the thought of returning to that place of shadows sent a chill through him.  
'I'll buy myself some coffee first' he thought. 'My blood sugar is probably low. I'll feel better after a drink. Give me time to gather my strength.' With that in mind he wandered into town. He settled himself in a corner of a nice, cheap cafe which had an old-fashioned, studenty air to it. People his age often went there because of the pleasant atmosphere, but that day there was no one Ken knew . He bought his drink and sat there in the shadows, savouring it and gathering his strength to go home. He was about halfway down his cup when he heard a voice that seemed familiar.  
"Seriously Tai, I don't think that's a good idea. You know what Davis is like"  
The peaceful mood Ken had nearly obtained was shattered instantly. Tai?  
Davis? He looked up to see who was talking, drawing further back into the shadows. A tall, thin blond boy he vaguely recognised was talking to a boy with bushy brown hair that stuck out all round his head.  
"Sometimes I wonder if he actually has a brain, or if it's been destroyed by too much soccer." the blond continued. The two were heading for a table near Ken. He shrank back, holding his coffee mug tightly.  
"I feel kinda sorry for him. He's got no chance with Kari, and everyone knows it, even him."  
"And this thing with Ken has really hit him hard. I just don't think that that's the best way to cheer him up, that's all. I agree with you that we need to do something. He's even stopped getting TK's name wrong."  
"Did TK tell you what really happened? Kari was a bit vague, just said it was really sad. They all slept all the way home anyway, so I'm just as much in the dark as ever."  
"I haven't seen TK. It's only been a week."  
"Didn't you phone him?"  
"I had band practice. Besides, talking to TK on the phone is weird. He always nods, which is surprisingly aggravating"  
"And how was Jun?" asked Tai with a laugh.  
"I'm going to tell her I'm gay. It's the only way."  
"Matt!"  
"Look, the girl is even denser than Davis! We deliberately drive off and leave her, we give her the wrong directions and I try to bribe TK to take her home. Why doesn't she get the idea that I do not like her? Nope, I'm going to tell her I'm gay. I'll get Istu to pretend that we're dating."  
"I can't believe TK turned down your college money!"  
"Pest. Anyway, back to Davis Motomiya."  
'Please go away' thought Ken. 'Please go away so I can go home' The only way out for him was to walk right past them, and now he had recognised them as two of the original Digidestined - Kari's brother who's Digimon digivolved into Greymon and TK's brother who's Digimon digivolved into Garurumon. He couldn't let them see him - couldn't face them looking at him with hatred and contempt. They knew what he'd done! Ken whimpered slightly and shut his eyes.  
'Please go away. Please, please go away.'  
The two older boys were showing no signs of going away. In fact, they seemed to be settling in for the afternoon. He heard someone else join them.  
"Hi TK! What're you doing here?" asked Matt, sounding surprised and pleased. Ken wondered if he could hide under the table without attracting too much attention. He stared at his mug so that his hair hid his face. He was gripping it so tightly that his knuckles were white. He relaxed his hands and took a sip, hoping it would calm him. 'Go away' he begged silently. 'I can't take any more of this. Please go.'  
"Davis managed to make Kari watch him play soccer. Cody and Yolei are doing some thing with computers and Izzy and.. Hey! What's so funny?" Matt and Tai were snickering and avoiding each others eyes.  
"Never mind" said Matt quickly. "That's where they are, why are you here?"  
"Oh I get it! That's really sick you two!"  
"We know!" they chorused, bursting into laughter. TK joined in.  
"Now I have really disturbing mental images!" he complained.  
"Poor baby! Anyway, now you're here, how is Davis?"  
"Fine. Quiet. Why?"  
"He's been a bit off at soccer practice" said Tai. "We just wondered how he was getting on."  
"He's fine. Why shouldn't he be?" asked TK, something in his voice that Ken couldn't identify.  
"Don't be dense TK. I don't know what happened exactly, but you all came home pretty shaken up, and though the rest of you seem to be OK, Davis seems a bit shaken." said Matt, looking at his brother.  
"Ken got the Crest of Kindness. His Digimon gave all his energy to help defeat the fiend that Ken created, then died in his arms." said TK coldly. "That murdering scum got the Crest of Kindness, and Davis practically invited him to join the team and be forgiven, just like that!"  
"The Crest of Kindness? Is that what the ghost of Wizardmon meant when he said you would need to have Kindness returned to his true form?"  
"You're missing the point Matt." said TK.  
"How?" asked Tai. "What else can you do? Whether you like it or not, Ken's a Digidestined, and you'll have to work with him. Davis probably did the right thing."  
"He tried to rule the Digiworld! He enslaved all our friends and tried to kill us. How can we just be friends as if nothing happened? He's disgusting!"  
Ken didn't wait to hear any more. They were probably too wrapped up in their conversation to take any notice of him anyway. Tears streaming down his face, Ken stood up and made his way unsteadily past the Digidestined, out of the cafe and home.  
  
When he got there, there was no one in. Ken fell face down on his bed and cried until he could cry no more. All he could hear was TK saying "He's disgusting!"  
"I'm disgusting." he said hoarsely to the empty house. "I'm a murderer. I'm foul, and evil and deserve everything I get." He got off the bed and headed purposefully for the drawer where he had hidden the razor.  
'I deserve to be punished for what I've done' he thought incoherently through a maze on pain and grief. 'I thought I was everything, but I'm nothing - nothing!'  
"Nothing." he spat angrily, drawing the razor across his arm fiercely, feeling the pain. "Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing!" With each word he drew the razor over his arm. "Stupid, worthless, useless thing! You're disgusting - unnatural! You should have died - not him!" Ken stopped, feeling numbed by the torrent of emotions he had just released. Somehow he did feel better, the anger and pain gone for the time being. He put the razor carefully back out of sight before going to wash his arm. The marks were not deep, but there were quite a few of them.  
'Next time' thought Ken dreamily 'I shall cut somewhere where the marks will be easier to hide. The last thing I need is people asking me more questions.'  
  
I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real  
  
Ken endured school for the rest of the week. He did not dare go to the coffee shop again in case he saw the others and hurried home as quickly as he could. He was managing OK now he thought, trying to reassure himself, to maintain his desperate grip on the world around him.  
That night, his parents went out for a meal, as they did every Friday night. He wondered if they'd done it while he was away, but pushed the thought out of his head quickly, feeling the old pain swelling up inside him. It didn't quite subside however, and once they were safely out of the way, Ken made a quick trip to the off-licence on the corner and bought himself a bottle of rum.  
  
The needle tears a hole  
The old, familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything  
  
As he took his first gulp of the liquid, Ken remembered the first time he had done this, long ago, when he had first realised that no matter how hard he tried he would always be living in his brother's shadow.  
"Dead men's shoes normally means promotion" he muttered, turning on the TV and gazing blankly at it, hoping he would find something to distract him. "but here they are still filled by the dead." He swallowed more and more of the rum, barely tasting it.  
"I hate my life." he told the TV gloomily. "I'm cursed. No matter what I do, it's wrong. I can never be good enough. I don't even have any friends. I'm just an evil person." He looked at the bottle thoughtfully. He had already drunk half of it.  
'Maybe I should have bought two bottles' he thought dazedly. He stood up, and felt the effects properly.  
"No food. Empty stomach." he said, staring at the bottle with awe. He went and put it carefully into his room.   
"It'll go away soon" he told the TV helpfully. "With any luck, I won't remember this at all." He waited thoughtfully. "Nope." he said a minute later. "I can still remember stuff. I'm barely swaying." He knew that drinking a whole bottle of rum on an empty stomach was very unwise, but went to get the rest anyway.  
"I don't care" he told the TV. "If it makes me feel good, than that's good, right? If it makes me forget everything, then that's even better." He nodded and began drinking again.   
  
"Poor Wormmon" he sobbed two hours later. "I killed him! I killed him!" 'His Digimon died in his arms' he could hear TK saying. 'Davis invited him to join the team and be forgiven.'  
"Davis Motomiya" he slurred. Ken staggered over to the phone book, turned haltingly to the M section and began to look through it.  
  
  
Davis was watching a football match on TV when the phone rang.  
"Answer it!" yelled Jun from her room.  
"Get the phone Davis!" called his father at the same time. Muttering things about slave labour, Davis went to the phone.  
"Can I speak to Davis Motomiya?" asked a peculiar voice on the line.  
"Speaking" said Davis uncertainly.  
"Can you forgive me?" slurred the voice with a sniffle.  
"Huh?" asked Davis. The person was obviously drunk.  
"I don't mean to kill him" sobbed the person on the other end of the line. "I thought it was a game. I didn't realise it was real. I deserve to die." The voice trailed off into noisy sobs.  
"Ken?" asked Davis in shock.  
"I killed Wormmon!" responded the voice. "Why am I like this? Everyone I like dies!"  
"Ken, do you want me to come over?"  
"You think I'm disgusting. You all hate me" sobbed Ken. There was a click and the line went dead. Davis stared at the phone with concern.  
  
What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end  
  
Ken slumped down against the wall.  
"He can't forgive me" he sobbed. "He thinks I'm horrific. He was lying all the time, trying to trick me. He liked me once, but now I repulse him. I wish I was dead!" He collapsed on the floor in floods of tears.  
  
'What am I going to do?' thought Davis. 'I can't just leave him alone in that state. I'd better call Kari.'  
"Hello, can I talk to Kari please?" he said.  
"Hi Davis" It was Tai who'd answered the phone. "She's gone out with a friend and won't be back for ages, I shouldn't think. Is everything OK?"  
"I just had the weirdest phone call, from Ken. He sounded really drunk, and asked if I could forgive him before hanging up in tears."  
"Get round there!" said Tai immediately. "I'll ring Matt and meet you there." He hung up.  
"I've got to go out Dad." he called. "That was Kari - I've got her history project and she needs it now. Gotta go!" he said, diving out of the door.  
Davis raced around to Ken's apartment building. He knocked on the door, hoping that Ken was OK. He could faintly hear someone crying inside. He knocked again, and heard the sound of someone coming to answer the door. It opened to reveal Ken, his hair stuck to his tearstained face. He looked like the only thing keeping him on his feet was the door. He squinted through his tears at Davis. Davis quickly pushed his way inside before Ken could lock him out.  
"Ken, what have you been drinking?" he asked, wondering what to do and praying the others would get there soon.  
"Rum. But it's all gone. Just like poor Wormmon." replied Ken, tears falling even faster down his face.  
"I think you should sit down." said Davis, pushing the door to behind them and leading Ken over to the couch. Ken followed obediently, muttering to himself and crying.  
"How did you know where I live?" he asked foggily, sprawling on the sofa and nearly falling off. Davis pushed him back on with a groan.  
"For someone so thin you sure are heavy!" he groaned. "We looked it up just before you ran away. We wanted to talk to you here, without your Digimon." Ken sniffled.  
"Why are you here? You all hate me. You should hate me! I'm evil and disgusting. Everywhere I go you all look at me, hating me."  
"Don't be silly!" said Davis. At that point the bell rang. "You stay here." he said firmly. "I'll get that." Ken tried to nod, but didn't quite make it.  
"How is he?" asked Matt, when Davis opened the door to let him and Tai in.  
"Drunk. I think he drank a whole bottle of rum."  
"I'll go find a bucket." said Matt immediately. He went off to look in the bathroom.  
"He's this way." said Davis, showing Tai into the room where Ken was. He had managed to fall off the couch and was looking slightly dazed, but seemed to be making an effort to get back onto it. He looked up when he heard the sound of footsteps.  
"Go away!" he yelled when he saw Tai. "You hate me and I don't want to see you. You can't be in my house! Take your horrible brother and leave me alone!"  
"What?" said Tai, startled. "Ken, I don't have a brother."  
"Then it's the other one who has a brother who hates me! You all hate me anyway. I wish I was dead!" screamed Ken, crying even harder and trying to hide under the couch. Matt appeared at that moment with a bucket.  
"What's all the shouting about?" he asked, looking at the room thoughtfully, taking in the sight of Ken wriggling under the couch.  
"He said I have a brother who hates him." said Tai.  
"He means TK I expect" said Matt gloomily. Ken was completely under the sofa now. They could hear him sniffling. "He can't stay there. If he throws up or something.." Matt let the sentence trail off. "Davis, you'll have to get him out." he said with decision. "He reacted so badly to Tai I don't dare risk it. I'll go and make some coffee with Tai, you try and lure him out."  
"Don't leave me!" said Davis. "I'm frightened!"  
"Tai, you go and make the coffee then. I'll help Davis. I'm more used to drunk people than you are." Tai nodded, obviously happy to relinquish control of the situation to Matt.  
"Ken?" said Davis hopefully, getting down on his hands and knees to look under the couch. He could see Ken's tearstained face, looking at him sleepily.  
"Ken, you can't stay there. We don't hate you or we wouldn't be here. Please come out"  
"You all look at me" said Ken calmly. "Everyone else looks at me like I'm some sort of crazy freak, but they only think it. You all know it and look at me anyway. I would like you to go away and stop looking at me."  
"Ken, please!" said Davis, glancing at Matt who nodded encouragingly. "If you stay there you might get hurt or something."  
"I like it here. I want to stay here forever."  
"But you might be ill. If you're sick there, you might die."  
"Good."  
Davis looked pleadingly at Matt, who decided it was his turn.  
"Come on Ken. We promise we won't look at you" he said in a reassuring voice. "Think of what your parents will say if you're still under there when they come home."  
"They won't care. They don't want a son - just a performing animal. They probably won't even notice" Ken sniffled slightly.  
"But if they do notice, they might make you go to the doctors" said Matt cunningly. "You've drunk a whole bottle of rum on your own. They might think you're an alcoholic and need counselling."  
"I'm not an alcoholic! I don't do this very often!" Ken said indignantly. "They won't be back 'til midnight anyway. I'm perfectly safe."  
"It's half-past ten now, and what if they come home early to check on you? You haven't been home very long after all." said Matt, wisely passing over the information that this was not the first time Ken had done this.  
"Come on out and we can talk about this." said Davis. "Please Ken." Ken grumbled, but they could hear him moving, and presently he emerged from under the couch, just as Tai appeared with the coffee. Matt braced himself, but all Ken did was glare at him half-heartedly.  
"Here you go" said Davis, taking one of the mugs off the tray and giving it to Ken. Ken sipped at it and spluttered, nearly spilling it. Matt quickly sat next to him and took the coffee away.   
"Don't want you to spill it because it's so hot" said Matt 'And stains like hell' he thought dryly. "You tell me when you want it, OK, and I'll give it to you." Ken nodded and slumped back on the sofa, closing his eyes. Matt gestured to the other two to sit down and move the bucket closer. They did as they were told, and sat quietly.  
"Do you want to talk?" asked Matt quietly.  
"No." said Ken sleepily. "I shall sit here quietly and pretend to be dead."  
"Why do you want to be dead?" asked Matt softly.  
"Because everyone else is, or wishes I was. I might as well just go. Things would be better without me. I killed Wormmon, and I tortured all the other Digimon! What right have I to live when he's dead?"  
"Wormmon wouldn't want you dead Ken" said Matt calmly.  
"He was trying to save you" added Davis.  
"What would he say when he returns if you've killed yourself? He'd be so unhappy."  
"Returns?" said Ken, a hint of scorn in his voice. "The dead never come back. Once they're gone, they're gone. I wished Osamu back so many times, but wishing doesn't change the truth."  
"Digimon come back in time" said Matt carefully. "They are reborn at the Primary village. In that way I suppose it is like a computer game. If they actually die, like Wormmon, then it takes longer, but they do sort of reset themselves. When Angemon defeated Devimon, he used all his energy and had to hatch again from an egg. He did come back though. If you wait, Wormmon will come back."  
"Are you sure?" said Ken, hope lighting up his face.  
"Yes. We've been to the Primary village and played with the baby Digimon."  
"So all the others will come back as well?"  
"Yes. Digimon are very forgiving though, they'll accept that you're sorry, and like you for being strong enough to change yourself."  
"People are different though." said Ken softly. "How can I go to the Digital World when everyone hates me?"  
"We don't hate you" said Tai. "You're obviously really sorry about what you did, and we can forgive you."  
"TK said I'm disgusting" said Ken flatly. "He'll never even be able to look at me, let alone work with me. Even if Wormmon does come back, I'll never see him again." Ken began to cry again. Tai and Davis exchanged exasperated looks.  
"TK will forgive you." said Matt quietly. "He's forgiven me lots of times."  
"He hates me. I heard him say I was disgusting and evil" said Ken again, clinging to that knowledge.  
"When?" said Davis.  
"In the cafe on Monday. I was at table in the corner trying to work up the nerve to go home and he said I was a foul, evil fiend."  
"That's not exactly what he said" said Matt, exchanging a quick glance with Tai. "Look Ken, if I promise to speak to TK, will you try and get some sleep? We'll come round again tomorrow in the afternoon, and we can talk about things then. Is that OK?"  
"What can you say that'll make him feel different?"  
"He's my brother. I can say a lot of things" said Matt with a grin, sliding an arm around Ken and easing him to his feet. Ken suddenly looked very green.  
"Are you going to be sick?" asked Matt quickly. Ken shook his head slightly. Matt began to help him slowly down the hall to the bedroom he guessed must be Ken's. Tai and Davis followed behind, Davis carrying the bucket.  
"My parents liked Osamu best. Do your parents prefer you or TK?" he asked Matt as Matt helped him onto the bed.  
"My parents are separated. I live with Dad, TK lives with Mum." said Matt quietly, avoiding the question. "Are you OK there?" he asked, settling Ken into the bed. Ken nodded and closed his eyes. Matt stood there quietly until he was sure Ken was asleep, then carefully positioned the bucket so Ken could be sick in it but not fall over it in the morning. He then found a pen and some paper and wrote Ken a note.  
  
Ken,  
Hope you're feeling better. Davis, Tai and I will come over at about three o'clock. If this isn't OK, then ring me. My number's at the bottom. We will see you again, so don't ring just to try and fob us off. I'll put Tai's' number at the bottom as well - you already have Davis's. See you then.  
Matt  
  
"Come on" he said softly. "If we're here when his parents get back, there'll be impossible questions to answer."  
They three boys headed for the front door. On the way, Matt picked up the bottle.  
"Might as well get rid of this for him." he said, looking round to see if there were any other signs of the evening's events. Tai nodded.  
"You were really good with him you know." he said.  
"Lots of practice." said Matt dryly.  
"Who with?" asked Davis curiously. "Does TP drink?" Matt laughed.  
"Not as far as I know. Gendo can go a bit like that sometimes, so me and Toshiki tend to take it in turns to look after him."  
"Who's Gendo?"  
"One of my band."  
"Oh." said Davis knowingly. The exploits of Matt's band were rather notorious.  
"Anyway, half two tomorrow at my place? We'll all go over together." said Matt  
"Good idea" said Tai. "You did the right thing tonight Davis - ringing us I mean. That was quite scary."  
"You're telling me!" said Davis with feeling. "I was scared witless before you two arrived. Thanks Matt, I owe you!"  
"No problem. See you tomorrow." said Matt, turning left.  
"That's not the way to your place, is it?" said Davis. He knew where Matt lived, and he was nearly sure that wasn't the right way.  
"No, it's the way to the bar where I left Gendo" said Matt with a grin. "No earlier than two thirty, OK?"  
"Have a good night!" laughed Tai. He and Davis continued on to their own homes.  
  
The next day, Ken woke at twelve-thirty, feeling as if he'd been hit by a truck. He groaned as the nights events began to come back. He had a blurry memory of phoning Davis Motomiya, a vague memory of the blond Digidestined helping him to bed in a very soothing way..  
"Oh my god." he groaned. He pulled the covers over his head and tried to get back to sleep.  
'Why the hell can I remember anything? I drank a whole bottle of rum by myself. The whole evening should be a blank space' he moaned to himself. Eventually he forced himself out of bed, narrowly missing falling over the bucket.  
'That was kind of them' he thought as he headed for the bathroom. When he came back, feeling somewhat better for a shower, he saw the note on his desk. He read it, then stared out of the window.  
'They're coming back. I'll have to see them again, and now they'll really ask questions.' The old panic returned, mixed with another feeling - anger perhaps.  
'If they want to know, I'll tell them.' he vowed. 'Then they'll regret it!' He lay back on his bed, dreading the arrival of the other Digidestined later that afternoon and trying to think of something to do that would fill up the time until then. His parents had agreed that the best thing to do was to try to get back to normal as soon as possible, but that meant chess club, and Ken didn't want to see people. He sighed, and gazed at the ceiling.   
'I'm not going to chess club' he thought 'I don't want to work on the computer - not under any circumstances! I could draw something.' Ken lay there for a while, mulling over the possibilities. Eventually his mum came in to wake him up, and he had to stop. He ended up watching TV until the others arrived.  
  
Matt ran a slightly nervous hand over his hair before knocking. Tai gave him a grin.  
"What are you doing that for? 1. your hair looks good and 2. there's nobody there to see it."  
"Force of habit. Nervous mannerism or something." said Matt, doing it again.  
"Hello, can I help you?" asked the woman who had opened the door.   
"Can we see Ken please?"  
"I'm not sure that he's expecting visitors. I'm afraid you'll have to leave."  
"But.." started Matt, exchanging glances with the others.  
"It's OK Mum" said Ken appearing behind her suddenly. "They can come in."  
"Not for long though" said his mother turning her back on them and giving her son a look. Ken nodded.  
"Come into my room" he said politely. When they were all in there and he had shut the door, he gave them an apologetic look.  
"Suppose I should have told her you were coming really." he said, slightly sheepishly. "We can go somewhere else if you like. Cafe or something."  
"Not unless we're going to cause problems by being here." said Matt. Once again he had been voted in charge of the situation.  
"Not really." said Ken. "Sit down or something" he added. "You're making me nervous, and you make the place look untidy."  
"Charming!" laughed Davis, sitting himself down. Ken went over to his desk and picked up his CD player. He put it carefully facing the door and put on a CD.  
"OK?" he asked. "Just thought we needed some background noise."  
"Have you got any others? I hate this group." said Matt, his voice a mix of amusement and embarrassment.  
"Pick one" said Ken calmly, gesturing at his collection. "it doesn't matter to me. I like them all."  
"Oh, this one's good" said Matt enthusiastically. He put it on, and they all sat in silence for a minute, listening to the music. Ken gazed at them with a blank stare. After a while he said:  
"I'm not just going to 'confess' or something. If you don't start asking questions, we're just going to sit here until my mum tells you to leave. And I won't crack either, if that's what you're trying to do." Tai and Davis both looked to Matt, who said quickly:  
"That's not it at all. I just wasn't sure where to start, that's all. Any suggestions?"  
"You could tell me exactly what I said last night. I remember you all being here, but very little else. It was kind of you to come though." he added.  
"No, I don't think so" said Matt. "It's quite difficult to repeat, and besides then you'll be able to tailor your story to hide anything you haven't hinted at, and we won't know if you're lying. Better just assume we know all your secrets in a slurred, disjointed and self-pitying way and take it from there."  
"Wonderful. Where would you like me to start sharing?"  
"You don't have to say anything you don't want to" said Tai quickly, looking at Matt in a warning way. "In the end, we don't have the right to force you to tell us things. We'd like to help you. Some of the things you said last night were quite upsetting to listen to, and if we can help you get to grips with any of it we'd be glad, but it's your choice."  
"That's a nice illusion." said Ken bitterly. "If I choose not to tell you things, when you leave you'll think how ungrateful and untrustworthy I am. My only real option is to tell you everything."  
"No it's not" said Matt flatly. "No one ever has to tell people everything. I don't tell the others everything, and I'm sure there are things that they don't tell me. Except for Davis" he added dryly. "Davis shares everything."  
"That was a mistake!" exclaimed Davis, blushing bright red. "I thought you already knew, and you promised not to mention it!"  
"When? I told you to have respect for your elders, and then Kari shouted at you and you shut up." said Matt calmly.  
"Kari shouted?" said Tai, looking amazed. "What did you say?!"  
"Never mind" said Davis, looking slightly miserable.  
"She forgave him later anyway." said Matt quickly. "The point I was trying to make is that everyone has secrets. No one can tell other people everything. I know we're pretty much strangers to you. I don't know if that will make things harder or easier for you, but we do want to help. How you want us to help is a different thing."  
"I see. I don't think you can help really. Too many things are wrong for you to fix."  
"Like what?" asked Davis curiously. "You're a genius! Everyone wants either to be you or to date you. Yolei was really excited when she heard we were to play you at soccer. You don't look as if you're poor or anything, so why do you say that?"  
  
You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt  
  
"Don't say that stuff like it means anything!" said Ken, anger tingeing his voice. "So what if I'm cleverer than other people? I can never be as clever as Osamu was."  
"Is Osamu your brother?" asked Tai.  
"He was my older brother - a genius. I watched him die, and the last thing we'd done was fight." Ken swallowed, then elaborated.  
"We had found a Digivice the day before. We didn't know whose it was. Osamu wanted it. He said it was his, and hid it in his drawer. Later, when he was out, I took it. I managed to use it to go to the Digiworld, where I met Wormmon. When I got back, I met Osamu out of school. I was really excited, and told him what had happened. He was really angry. He said the Digivice was his and I'd had no right to go taking other people's property. I said we could both use it, but he wouldn't agree. He stormed off. I ran after him and he ran into the road. Suddenly this car shot round the corner and hit him. He died in front of me, right there at the scene. He never said another word to me. When I got home, I put the Digivice away out of sight and swore to have nothing else to do with it because without it I'd still have my brother."  
Ken paused and looked round. "Sorry you asked?" he asked, sour amusement in his voice. "Tough." He took a deep breathe and continued.  
"My parents were devastated. They had always liked him best anyway, my talented, charismatic brother. I had seen him die and they had not. They assumed I'd done something to cause his death I think, which in a way I had of course. I used to wish he'd go away so I would get some attention. My wish came true. They pushed me away. Since then I've been trying to make it up to them. I have to achieve. Osamu was much cleverer than me, but I have to try my hardest. I don't want to let than down more than I already have. I have to try and be as good as Osamu was."  
"I'm sorry" said Matt softly. "I can see things haven't been easy."  
"When I found the Digivice, I remembered that I'd thought it took me to another world. Being older I used logic to work out that I'd been wrong. I was only a little kid after all, and how could there be other worlds? It wasn't rational. I thought therefore that this must be a computer game, and you all see where that got me. Digivices bring nothing but trouble."  
"I admit you've had bad luck with yours, but they really aren't all bad. My experiences in the Digital world taught me a lot of important things." said Matt. "TK and I are much closer now because of our time in the Digital World. I learned to accept some aspects of my life before I actually ruined everything by thinking myself trapped in the way that you think yourself trapped."  
"I am trapped! I can never be as good as Osamu, and I can never make up for what I did in the Digiworld! I found out who I am, and I don't like him. Nothing you can ever do or say can ever change that. Being around me just brings other people pain and fear and death. Now do you see why I don't want to be here any more?"  
"Why do you have to be as good as Osamu?" asked Tai. "You two are different. Your parents want a son they can be proud of. They don't want you to be Osamu over again."  
"They were proud of Osamu in a way that they can never be proud of me."  
"Because you're different people!" said Tai in exasperation. "Of course your parents miss your brother! Of course they feel differently about the two of you, but you aren't him and you shouldn't try to be him."  
"I'm not trying to be my brother, I'm trying to live up to him. My parents look at me, comparing me to him and I come off worst."  
"Then maybe it's time to stop competing." said Matt softly. Everyone looked at him. Ken didn't say anything, just shifted position.  
"When Mum left, she took TK but not me. I know now that she couldn't afford to take us both, as Dad was the one who earned the most money, and she took TK because he was too little to be able to look after himself while Dad was at work. But I didn't know that at the time. I thought she liked TK best, and I hated her for it. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. She never even seemed to want to see me. Dad was always at work. The only one who still wanted me was TK. We'd always been close anyway, but after the divorce we became closer, even though we didn't live together. I thought he was the only one who still wanted me. When we came to the Digital world, it wasn't like it's been for you, being able to come and go as you like. We were trapped there. I knew I had to look after TK, knew he was my responsibility. I thought I had to do it alone, and I got really angry with Tai when he tried to help because I thought he was trying to take my brother away from me. One of the things my time in the Digiworld taught me is that other people can help you. You don't have to do everything alone. Stopping competing when you know you can't win is not weakness, it's common sense."  
  
I wear my crown of shit  
Upon my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair  
  
Ken took a deep breath.   
"I understand what you mean." he said. "I'll think about what you've told me."  
"Ken!" his mother's voice called. "Are your friends leaving now? It's getting late, and we'd like to talk to you."  
"Yes Mum" called back Ken. "I guess you've got your marching orders" he said to the three boys, all of whom look tired, a tiredness he knew was reflected in his own face.  
"Thank you for coming" he said, giving them the best smile he could under the circumstances. "I feel much better about everything now. You've all been really helpful."  
"Great! Any time" said Davis cheerfully. Tai agreed with a grin, but Matt just nodded, looking at Ken as if he knew Ken wasn't telling them the truth. Ken smiled at him and showed them all out.  
"It's been lovely seeing you" his mother said, emerging from the living room to see them out. "I'm sorry to have to turn you out, but we have things to discuss with Ken"  
"It's no problem" said Matt, giving her his most charming smile. "We don't want to outstay our welcome. I hope we see you again soon. Bye Ken."  
"Goodbye you three. See you around."  
"Bye" chorused Tai and Davis. When they were out of the way, his mother closed the door.  
"Where did you meet them?" she asked curiously.  
"Playing soccer" said Ken, quite truthfully. "What do you want to talk to me about?" he asked nervously, feeling that it was best to get this talk over as soon as possible.  
"The recent situation. Come in here and sit down."  
Ken followed his mother into the sitting room and sat down on the chair facing the couch. His mother settled herself next to his father.  
"While you were away, your father and I did a lot of thinking. We realise that things have been difficult for everyone since Osamu's death, but we didn't understand how unhappy you were. We were totally shocked when you ran away, and we'd like to try and work out what went wrong and made you feel that you had to leave." His mother stopped and looked at him nervously.  
"Do you want to talk to us about why you ran away?" she said tentatively.  
"I don't know." said Ken softly, staring at the floor. "There were a lot of reasons I suppose."  
"Can you tell us about any of them?" asked his father. "We've already lost one son, we don't want to lose you too."  
"I feel like you compare me to him" said Ken quietly. "Even though he isn't here, I have to be as good as or better than he was. It's a lot of pressure, and it just got to be a bit much. I had to go and get my head straight"  
"We don't mean to compare you to Osamu. We just don't want you to waste your potential. You're a clever boy Ken, and we don't want to see that intelligence go to waste."  
"But if getting top marks all the time doesn't make me happy, what then?" asked Ken flatly. Suddenly he was tired, so tired he didn't care what he said. All he wanted to do was to go into his room and sleep.  
"No one's perfect, and I can't try to be perfect any more. May I please be excused?"  
"Ken, you can't just walk away. We need to talk about this!"  
"I can't talk about this any more. I'm going to my room. Don't disturb me." said Ken. He stood up and began to move towards the door.  
"Ken Ichijouji you come right back here and sit down!" yelled his father. "You've given us a lot of worry over the past few months, and we deserve an explanation!"  
"I hate you both." said Ken icily, opening the sitting room door and walking calmly through it before closing it behind him and going into his room, leaving a stunned silence behind him.  
As Ken moved his chair in front of the door to barricade himself in, he could hear his mother crying. He mechanically climbed into his bed, not bothering to get changed, and fell into a dreamless sleep almost immediately.  
Despite the early hour, Ken slept right through until the following morning. When he finally stirred awake, he was not at all refreshed by the amount of sleep he'd had. He felt dull and listless, his whole body weighed down by his guilt.  
'In the end, things will be the same' he thought dully, staring at the ceiling. 'I will go out there and apologise and they will say that they are sorry too, they didn't mean to compare me to Osamu, that the last few months have been a strain for everyone and they know I didn't mean to say such a hurtful thing. I will apologise again and they will as well. Then we will probably go out for a family meal or something to celebrate the fact that we are all friends again and life will go on exactly as before.' He rolled out of bed gloomily and stared out of the window.  
'Come fire or flood, some things never change' he thought gloomily. When he emerged from his room, things went exactly as he had predicted. When he arrived home from the family meal out, Ken took the razor from its hiding place and sliced his hips until the blood ran down onto the carpet.  
  
Beneath the stain of time  
The feeling disappears  
You are someone else  
I am still right here  
  
On Tuesday the phone rang. It was Matt.  
"Hi" he said calmly. "How are you then Ken?"  
"Fine thanks" said Ken, feeling startled. He hadn't been expecting to be contacted by any of the Digidestined, though he supposed he should have known they would want to check up on him.  
"What did your parents want to talk to you about?" asked Matt. He sounded like he was eating something.  
"Why I ran away. I told them some of the things we discussed"  
"And?"  
"It all got a bit heated, but I think things are OK now."  
"So when will you be contacting the other Digidestined then?"  
"What? Why would I do that?"  
"You're a Digidestined Ken. The Digital world needs you, and so do the group, whether they know it or not. Davis has been telling the others that you're sorry, I've spoken to TK, and while they won't welcome you with open arms they're prepared to give you a chance to prove you've changed."  
"I appreciate that" said Ken, thinking furiously. 'What if I haven't changed enough?' he thought in despair. "I don't think I'm ready to go back to the Digital World yet"  
"The longer you wait, the harder it will be for you." said Matt softly. "I'll go with you if you like, but you should go soon."  
"I know you're right, but I can't. I can't face them yet, I need more time!" Ken could feel the lump in his throat, could hear his voice choking up.  
"It's OK Ken." said Matt soothingly. "No-one wants to force you to do anything. We don't want you to be unhappy, but please understand that strange things are happening in the Digiworld. We can give you time, but maybe not much."  
"Thanks Matt."  
"You take care of yourself Ken. Ring me if you want anything, I'll ring you again soon."  
"Bye."  
"Bye." said Matt. Ken heard the click as he hung up, but stood there, clutching the phone in his hand and thinking about the past. He suddenly shook himself, place the receiver gently back into the cradle and went into his room. Lying on the desk was the Digivice. Ken picked it up and looked at it. Then he turned to the computer.  
"Digiport open!" he said, clenching his fist so tightly around the Digivice he wondered for a second if it was possible to break your own bones by gripping too hard.  
'Here goes!' he thought. Taking a deep breathe, Ken entered the Digiworld.  
He found himself standing in a big open space. Straight ahead he could see what looked like children's building blocks.  
"That must be the primary village Matt told me about. If Wormmon's anywhere, he'll be there." Ken began to make his way towards it. Before he could reach it however, he found himself surrounded by tiny Digimon.  
"Go away, go away" they squeaked. "You're the evil Emperor, and we don't want you here!"  
"I'm sorry." said Ken. "I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear! Please let me go to the primary village"  
"Keep away from our babies" one of them squeaked. "You mustn't hurt them"  
"I don't want to hurt them! I didn't understand - I never meant to hurt anyone. You have to believe me!" pleaded Ken.  
"Maybe you have changed" said another. "but we can't let you near our babies. What if you haven't changed, and this is a trick? Prove that you've changed and we'll let you near them."  
"My Digimon's in the primary village. How can I prove I've changed without my Digimon? " asked Ken helplessly. "I'm powerless here without him." This seemed to be too difficult for the Digimon to understand.   
"Prove it, prove it, help us, help us." they squeaked.   
"You stupid things!" snapped Ken. "I need to go to the primary village to get my Digimon, and I'm going there!" He began to push his way through the Digimon, who scattered in alarm. Ken headed purposefully for the primary village. Suddenly he heard a little voice behind him shout out something, and the next thing he knew he was on his knees.   
"Go away or we'll do that again!" squeaked one of the Digimon. It sounded scared, yet slightly triumphant.  
"You have to let me go to the primary village!" begged Ken. "Please let me pass!"  
"Go away evil emperor!"  
Ken sighed. Shoulders slumped disconsolately, he made his way back to the Digiport and left the Digiworld. He sat at his desk and groaned. He couldn't get Wormmon, the Digimon did hate him and he had only made things worse for himself by shouting at them and insulting them. Ken rested his head on his hands in despair. "What am I going to do?" he whispered.  
  
What have I become  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end  
  
Despite thinking about this problem in every waking moment, Ken still had no ideas by Thursday. When he realised he had spent most of the week sitting at his desk and staring at the wall, he decided to go for a walk.  
"I'm just going for a walk" he called to his mother. "I'll be back in an hour."  
"OK Ken. See you later then."  
Ken walked down the road quite slowly, looking around him. The feeling of the fresh air on his face was definitely better than being cooped up in his room. He didn't really have any destination in mind, but wandered happily around. However, once the novelty of being outside began to wear off Ken began to think about his problem again. He made his way down to the canal, and sat down heavily on the bench beside it, staring out over the water.  
"What's the use?" he muttered. "Even if I do join the others, I haven't got a Digimon. I can't do anything to help them, I'll just be a liability. Let's face it, my time in the Digital World is over. There's no point going back there again." Ken stared over the water, the familiar numbness settling in his chest. Eventually he stood up.  
'Guess I won't be needing this any more' he thought glumly, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his D3. He looked at it for a while, then put it down on the bench before making his way home  
  
You can have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt  
  
  
"Honestly TK! Do you have to walk so slowly? We'll be late if you don't hurry!" said Kari, walking faster to give her dawdling friend the right idea.  
"Sorry. I just love walking by the canal. It's so peaceful here."  
"Well, if I'm late it won't be peaceful for me at home, so unless you want me to leave you behind, hurry up!"  
"What's that noise?" asked TK suddenly. Both of them stopped to listen.  
"It's our D3's" said Kari, reaching in her pocket to find it. TK pulled his out and looked at it.  
"It's picking up another D3 down there near the water" he said. Both of them stared in the general direction the D3 showed.  
"I can't see anyone" said Kari. "Maybe we should go closer."  
"You'll be late!" joked TK.  
"I have a funny feeling" said Kari. "I wouldn't feel right if we just left this."  
"Come on then!" The two scrambled hastily down the bank and followed their D3's to the bench where Ken had been sitting earlier that evening.  
"Someone's just left their Digivice on the bench! I bet it's Davis, he's so careless!" exclaimed TK, picking it up.  
"It doesn't look like his." said Kari, taking the Digivice from TK and looking closely at it. "In fact, I'm not sure I've seen this one before. It doesn't seem familiar."  
"Maybe there's a new Digidestined!" said TK enthusiastically.  
"Perhaps" said Kari thoughtfully. She frowned.  
"I'll talk to Tai about it later." she said, putting it into her pocket. "Now come on! I'll have to run now!" The two Digidestined ran, leaving the deserted bench behind them.  
  
Ken was sitting in his room, staring at the computer. He was supposed to be writing a computer program as part of a homework assignment, but he couldn't concentrate.  
"Oh, what's the use?" he asked angrily. "I'm failing anyway. I'll probably have to redo this year, whether I finish the stupid project or not."  
'Come on Ken, concentrate!" he told himself. 'Just sit down and do the bloody thing. You've made your choices in the past, now you've got to live with them. Finish the stupid project!' He tried, but within five minutes he found himself sitting and staring blankly at the screen. He snarled and tried to force himself to just do one line of the complex code.   
'This is pathetic!' he thought viciously. 'Come on you stupid, worthless thing! One line of code is hardly difficult, just do the work you useless failure!' After another half hour, he gave up, defeated and rummaged for his razor. He stared at it dully, still almost unable to believe that this was something he did, not just occasionally but regularly. When he had carved the rage and hatred coiling up inside him onto his body, Ken suddenly felt a wave of sadness. He watched the blood welling out of the wounds he himself had inflicted and thought 'What's the point of this. I can't take this any more. This is not who I am. This is not really me. I don't cut myself, I'm a success. Everyone wants to be me, and yet I'm here in my room watching myself bleed. I'm going to make this stop.' He didn't bother to put his razor away, just left it on the floor and went into the bathroom. Above the sink was a medicine cabinet. Ken reached into it and found a bottle of Paracetamol. He could tell by the weight that it was almost empty, but unscrewed it to check. There were only a few pills left at the bottom. Ken took them all before placing the bottle by the sink and continuing his search. Ah, here was another bottle. This one hadn't been opened. Ken opened it quickly, knowing that inside this bottle was death. This one contained a lethal dose by itself, even without those he'd already taken. Ken took out two and swallowed them. He snapped another two in half and took each half separately. He didn't stop snapping the pills in half and taking them one by one until he'd taken all the pills in the box. He was beginning to feel light-headed.  
'It must be working' he thought vaguely. This didn't stop him searching the cupboard to see if there were any more. A wave of dizziness swept over him, and he gave it up.  
'The side effects of Paracetamol overdose are nausea and vomiting' he thought as clearly as he could. 'Therefore I should take the bucket from under the sink back into my room to be sick into.' He picked up the bucket, unlocked the bathroom door and made his way haltingly back to his room, feeling sicker and sicker. Once there, he put the bucket onto the bed and clambered up. He snuggled himself up under the covers and lay there gently, the bucket next to his face.  
'Soon this will be over' he thought dreamily, closing his eyes.   
  
If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way  
  
  
  



	3. I do not want this

I do not want this  
By the Black Goddess  
  
Disclaimer: Yes, you guessed it, neither Digimon, nor the title belong to me. The title is from (yet again) the Nine Inch Nails album The Downward Spiral (track 8). I've edited the lyrics slightly (missing bits out) I'll put complete lyrics for all the songs up as an extra chapter.  
  
  
Ken was walking through a dark wood. The trees were tall and menacing and he was nervous. The leaves were rustling, he could hear them saying  
'Failure' 'Murderer' 'Coward' 'Liar' He sat down under a tree and buried his face in his hands, knowing that they were right, knowing that there was nothing to do or say to change the truth in their whispers. From his new vantage point, he could see that all the trees had his brother's face, and the leaves looked like Wormmon.  
"Now you see how sorry I am!" he screamed.  
  
Kari was slumped on the couch watching TV when she felt something dig into her hip.  
"Ow!" she exclaimed. Reaching into her pocket she pulled out the Digivice which had been digging into her. She was about to put it onto the table when she realised that it wasn't hers. She frowned, remembering the strange circumstances in which she had found it. She rolled off the couch and padded down the hall to Tai's room.  
"Tai?" she called. "Can I come in? I want to ask you something."  
"Sure!" her brother called. Kari pulled the door to behind her and threw the Digivice at Tai, who caught it easily.  
"TK and I found it by the canal, but there was no sign of anyone near. What should we do about it?"  
"I've seen this before." said Tai, frowning.   
"You can't have. It's not one of ours." said Kari with certainty. "TK wondered if it belongs to a new Digidestined."  
"It does," said Tai, remembering where he had seen it before. "It's Ken's. Did you say you found this by the canal?"  
"On a bench. It looked like it had been left there on purpose, not dropped."  
"Oh God!" said Tai and dived for the door.  
"What's going on?" said Kari, following her brother out of the room. Tai was at the telephone, feverishly dialling. He ignored her.  
"Matt?" he said. "Oh thank God! I think Ken's killed himself!"  
"What?!" said Kari and Matt at the same time.   
"What's happened?" asked Matt quickly.  
"Kari found his Digivice abandoned by the canal!"  
"OK Tai, calm down. He might have just dropped it. Are you sure it's his?"  
"Yes, I saw it on his bedside table."  
"Bedside table?" asked Kari in mystification. "What's going on?"  
"OK. You fill Kari in, I'll ring Ken's house and see if he's there before we go calling the police. Then I'll ring you, OK?"  
"OK." said Tai. "That's probably the best idea. Bye Matt."  
"Bye."  
"What's going on? What were you doing in Ken's bedroom? Why do you think Ken's dead?"  
"He called Davis last Friday, dead drunk and very depressed. Davis phoned here, but you were out so Matt and I went with him to Ken's. While we were trying to make him go to bed and stop him hurting himself he said some scary things. We decided to go back on Saturday to talk to him about what he said when he was sober and understood our arguments. That was when I saw his Digivice. He was really depressed, but he seemed better when we left."  
"Scary things like what?"  
"He said he wished he was dead, that's why I think he's killed himself."  
"Why didn't you tell me? We could have tried to do something!"  
"Like what? We went to talk to him on Sunday, and I thought he felt better! I thought he'd only said that because he was drunk."  
"I don't know." said Kari. She looked at the Digivice in her brother's hand. "I hope he's OK"  
"Believe me, so do I." said Tai glumly, staring at the phone and wondering what was happening.  
  
Matt put the phone down quickly and dialled Ken's number. Listening to the phone ring he took several deep breaths, trying to work out what to say.  
"Hello, Ichijouji residence" said a woman's voice.  
"Hi, my name's Matt. Can I speak to Ken please?"  
"Sure, I'll just go and get him." said the woman cheerfully. Matt groaned to himself. Why did he ever listen to anything that hysterical ex-gogglehead said? Tai had potentially put him into a quite embarrassing position here. What was he going to say when Ken came on the line?  
"Ken?" he could hear Ken's mother saying. "Ken honey, phone for you" Matt heard a door open. "Ken?" the woman said again. Her voice had changed, Matt noticed uneasily. She sounded suddenly worried and unsure. What was Ken doing? "Ken, what are you doing? Oh my God! Masao, Masao! Come here quickly!"   
Matt heard the sound of running feet. "Oh no" he heard a man's voice yell. Matt felt as though an icy hand had gripped his heart and was squeezing it tightly.  
"I'm sorry, he can't talk to anyone right now." said Ken's mother. "Thank you for calling." There was a click as she hung up. Matt sank down on the stairs, staring at the wall. He had a horrible suspicion that Tai was right, that Ken Ichijouji had killed himself. Tai. He needed to call Tai. No, wait. Better to go round. This couldn't be shared over the phone. Matt scribbled a note for his father in case he got home early, grabbed his coat and raced out of the door.  
  
Mrs Ichijouji put the phone down on Ken's friend and dialled an ambulance with shaking hands. She could hear her husband in her son's room, talking to him, asking him why he had done this.  
"Ambulance please, as fast as you can. My son's tried to kill himself!"  
"What address?" asked the person efficiently. Mrs Ichijouji recited the address. "What should we do for him?"  
"If he took tablets, the paramedics will need to know exactly what he took, with an approximate quantity. If he's slit his wrists, try and stop the bleeding by applying a tourniquet around his elbows."  
"Thank you. Please hurry!" She put the phone down and headed for her son's room. Ken was lying on the bed. His breathing was laboured, his skin a strange colour. He had a bucket by his face; he'd obviously been sick.  
"I found this on the floor" her husband said softly, holding out a razor, stained with blood. "Ken doesn't shave! Why does he have this?"  
"We need to find out what he took" she said numbly. Her baby, trying to kill himself. It was impossible. "He just made a mistake. We need to tell them." At that moment the bell rang. She let the paramedics in, then went to the medicine cabinet. As soon as she walked into the bathroom she saw the Paracetamol containers on the sink. She quickly checked the cupboard, then ran back out. Ken was being carried out of the door on a stretcher, an oxygen mask attached to his face.  
"He took Paracetamol" she gasped. "A whole bottle, and some more."  
"May I have those?" asked a responsible-looking woman. "It's important we know what he took so we can treat him effectively. How many were in the opened bottle?"  
"I don't know. Six, eight maybe? Less than half, I'm sure."  
"Is he going to be OK?" her husband asked anxiously, passing her her coat.  
"I'm afraid I can't say at the moment. When we're at the hospital we'll be able to tell you more." Mrs Ichijouji followed her husband and the paramedics to the ambulance where her son lay. Only when she sat inside it, staring at her son's face, did the tears come.  
  
Kari and Tai were sitting in Tai's room in silence, listening for the phone when the doorbell rang. They both jumped, then sat back.  
"Thought that was the phone" said Tai.  
"Yeah" said Kari. Their mother answered the door; they could hear a muffled conversation, then footsteps. Suddenly the door opened and Matt appeared.  
"Your mother says I can't stay long." he said by way of greeting.  
"It's bad news, isn't it?" said Kari. "Was he not there?" The normally calm Matt looked flustered, dishevelled. Matt sat down on the floor and nodded.  
"I rang up and asked to speak to him. His mother said no problem, she'd just fetch him. I heard her calling for him, then she went into his room. The next thing I know, she's yelling for her husband, saying basically "Oh my God, come quick, come quick!" Then she came back to the phone, said he couldn't speak to anyone right now, thanked me for calling and hung up."  
"That doesn't sound good." said Tai softly. "Do you think he's dead?"  
"I've no idea." said Matt shortly. "Ken's clever though, so I expect that he will be."  
"What does being clever have to do with it?" asked Kari.  
"He'll know the most effective way to kill yourself and won't mess about with a half-hearted attempt. If death is what he wants, I should think he'll achieve it." said Matt quietly.  
"That's horrible" said Tai. Kari noticed he was crying. She felt strange herself. The Digimon Emperor suddenly seemed a long time ago. All she could see was the boy he had become, crying in the desert as his Digimon disappeared. He was her age and he had tried to take his own life. It sounded so bad when you put it like that, but she couldn't feel it. Someone she'd barely known was dying, it was tragic but it wouldn't really affect her.  
"I should tell Davis" said Matt quietly. "I think he'll want to know."  
"Do you want to borrow the phone?" asked Tai, wiping his eyes in a futile attempt to stop the tears.  
"I'd better tell him face-to-face. This isn't the sort of thing you tell people over the phone."  
"What about the others?" asked Tai, seeming to pull himself together slightly.  
"I'll go and see them too. TK lives in the same apartment building as the other two. I'd better tell them if I tell him." Matt voice had hardened, and Kari looked at him in surprise. Tai knew that Matt and TK had had quite an argument on the subject of Ken, so Matt's tone was not surprising to him.  
"Don't be too hard on him Matt. He didn't know." he said gently. "Don't make him feel you blame him."  
"Stupid kid. I'm going to tell him, then leave."  
"It's not his fault. It's no-one's fault" said Tai earnestly. Kari frowned, watching them, trying to piece together the information that she didn't know.  
"Or it's everyone's. You were there, you heard what he said. We should've tried harder." said Matt.  
"You can't blame yourself either!" said Tai. "Ken chose this! You tried as best you could to get TK on Davis's side and to help Ken. Maybe there are other things we don't know. What happened in the Digital World was only the last in a long chain of problems for Ken. You couldn't ever have fixed them all."  
"I could have checked up on him more. I knew he might do something like this, and I didn't try to talk to him more."  
"Matt, this isn't the time for blame" said Kari softly. "Maybe there never will be a time for blame. I know I don't know the full story, but that's not important now. What's happened has happened. If Ken lives then he'll get the help he needs from professionals. If he dies, then blaming yourself will do no good. He chose this. You may not want to accept it, but Ken chose to do whatever he did. We need to be prepared now, to support Ken when he gets better, or to break the news to Wormmon that he's dead."  
"I know." said Matt, sounding apologetic, yet angry all at once. "Saying that's the easy part, but, like you said, you don't know the full story. It's much harder to actually carry out advice than to give it. I'll never forget the things he said Kari. And if he dies, I will always feel guilty."   
There was an uncomfortable pause.  
"Well, I'd better go. I'll go and see the others, then head for the hospital and see if I can find out any more information. I'll ring you in the morning if I find out anything else, OK?" said Matt eventually.  
"Yeah. Bye Matt." said Tai, getting up and showing his friend out. Kari followed them, then headed for her own room where she lay on her bed, thinking about Ken Ichijouji.  
  
"Doctor, can you tell us anything yet?" asked Mrs Ichijouji pleadingly. As soon as they had arrived at the hospital, she and her husband had been ushered into a waiting room, where they had been since. They had only been there for half an hour, but to them it seemed like an eternity.  
"It's really too soon to give an exact prognosis. We've taken blood samples to get an idea of what has been absorbed into your son's body, and he has had his stomach pumped. At the moment he is stable, and we're administering drugs to try and prevent further liver damage. You can come and see him now."  
"Oh thank you!" sobbed Mrs Ichijouji as they were taken through into the room where their son lay pale on the bed.  
"Oh Ken, why did you do this?" she sobbed, taking hold of one of her son's limp hands. "You know we love you more than anything, so why would you do this? Please don't die Ken, please don't die."  
  
I'm losing ground  
You know how this world can beat you down  
I'm made of clay  
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way  
  
Ken stood up and began to walk again, desperate to get away from the whispered chant of 'Murderer'. He began to make his way up a rocky path, heading towards the sound of rushing water.  
'I thought there was supposed to be light' he thought as he made his stumbling way towards the distant sound. 'I'm sure you're supposed to head towards the light. Maybe that's another lie. If I reach the water, I can have a drink. Maybe that'll make my throat feel better.' He struggled onwards.  
  
TK answered the door to find his brother standing outside.  
"Hi Matt, I didn't know you were coming!" he said, opening the door so his brother could come inside.  
"I can't stay long." said Matt. Only now could his brother see the strained expression on his brother's face.  
"What is it?" he asked.  
"Ken Ichijouji." said Matt without preamble. "We think he's tried to kill himself."  
"What?!" exclaimed TK, staring at his brother in shock. "If this is a joke..."  
"Don't be ridiculous!" snapped Matt. "You found his Digivice by the canal. When Kari showed it to Tai, he recognised it and called me. I called the Ichijouji's to find out if he was there and OK. His mum went into his room, I heard a lot of panicked yelling and then she hung up on me. I think from what she said she went into his room and found him unconscious or dead." TK stared at his brother in horror. Matt looked back, doing his best to make his face impassive.  
"I've got to tell Yolei and Iori while I'm here. I'm going to call in at Davis's on the way to the hospital."  
"Oh God" said TK.  
"I'm sorry," said Matt. "I've got to go. Maybe you should ring Kari or something - talk to someone."  
"Was it my fault?" asked TK, clutching at his brother as Matt turned to leave. Matt was forcibly reminded of how TK had looked in the Digiworld, of the little brother he had wanted to protect.  
"Of course not." he said as soothingly as possible. "From what I saw, I don't think anyone could have done anything. Don't worry TK, I'm sure it'll be OK. You go and phone Kari, then get some sleep. Kari'll tell you tomorrow if there's any news." TK nodded dumbly, looking stunned. Matt prodded his brother gently in the direction of the phone before letting himself out.  
  
I'm always falling down the same hill  
bamboo puncturing this skin  
and nothing comes bleeding out like a waterfall I'm drowning in  
  
Ken was finding the hill a struggle. He throat hurt so much he could barely breath, as if he was choking on something huge and round. He could still hear the voices around him, even though the Wormmon trees were behind him now.   
"Will I ever get to the water?" he gasped aloud. "Is there no end to this?" He was incredibly relieved when he finally reached the top of the hill. A small waterfall was gushing out of a channel in a rock into a lake. Ken headed quickly for the side of the lake and drank deeply. The water didn't seem to be easing the pain in his throat, but at least it didn't seem to be making it worse. Ken's body was drenched with sweat, and the land around him was beginning to become blurred around the edges, giving the whole place an unreal air. Ken stopped drinking and washed his face in the water. When he was done, he sat there, watching the ripples fade away and his reflection appear in the water. He suddenly looked at the face staring up at him more closely.  
"That's not me!" he gasped, horror filling him as he gazed into the lake and saw the Digimon Emperor staring back. "That's not who I am! I'm not him! I didn't know what I was doing!" His tears fell onto the surface of the water, distorting the reflection. Ken suddenly looked closer in surprise.  
"Osamu!" he exclaimed, the Digimon Emperor forgotten. Without a pause, Ken leaned forwards and fell headfirst into the lake  
  
2 feet below the surface I can still make out your wavy face  
and if I could just reach you maybe I could leave this place  
  
The first thing that Ken felt was pain. His throat hurt, a lot. He opened his eyes, wincing at the brightness of the light that surrounded him.  
"Oh Ken, you're awake! We've been so worried!"  
"Doctor, he's awake!"  
"Where am I?" asked Ken, his voice a hoarse croak.  
"In the hospital. Your throat hurts because we had to pump your stomach. You took a lot of pills."  
"Oh yes." said Ken gloomily. He closed his eyes again. 'Why couldn't you just let me go?' he thought despairingly, tears beginning to leak from under his eyelids.  
  
  
Matt took a deep breath before knocking on Davis's door. He knew the new leader of the Digidestined had been very affected by what he had seen and heard at Ken's, and knew this news would hit him hard. He also knew that there was a possibility that Jun would open the door. His worst fears were answered when she did.  
"Matt! You came to see me? Oh how sweet. Come on in, I'll make you a drink."  
"Actually, I came to see Davis." said Matt, remaining on the doorstep.  
"It's sweet that you want to include my brother, but you don't have to take being kind to the afflicted that far."  
"This is important, Jun. I need to speak to Davis now. One of our friends is in hospital. Please go and get him"  
"Oh." said Jun, looking rather startled. "Davis! Matt's here!" she yelled. Davis appeared rather suddenly and fell over.  
"Are you OK?" asked Matt as Davis staggered to his feet, rubbing his elbow.  
"He does that all the time. He's such a jerk." confided Jun.  
"Get lost dumbass! What is it Matt?"  
"It's Ken. We think he tried to kill himself. I'm on my way to the hospital now."  
Davis looked stunned for a second. Jun looked shocked. Davis typically didn't bother with the 'Are you sure?' and 'how do you know?' that everyone else had asked.  
"I'm coming with you," he said determinedly. "Poor Ken! When he wakes up he might need us"  
"OK then, come on." said Matt, deciding not to tell Davis that the chances of them actually being allowed anywhere near Ken (if he was still alive) were slim to none. Davis hurried off to grab his coat, Jun stood staring at Matt in shock.  
"You'll tell Mum where I've gone won't you?" he asked his sister on the way out. She nodded, looking confused, and Davis shut the door in her face.  
"What's the quickest way?" he asked, setting off briskly down the street.  
  
"We're here to see Ken Ichijouji." said Matt calmly, keeping his hand on Davis's arm to remind the excitable boy that he was to keep quiet and back Matt up.  
"Are you family?"  
"Yes, we're cousins." said Matt smoothly, crossing his fingers behind his back.  
"Let me check." said the nurse efficiently. "Third door on the right. Ask again at the nurses station."  
"Thank you." said Matt, giving her a smile. The pulled at Davis's arm and began to walk along the corridor.  
"Why did you say we were cousins?" whispered Davis.  
"Because they wouldn't have let us in if we weren't related!" hissed Matt. "Now, keep quiet! This may still not work."  
"We've come to see Ken Ichijouji" repeated Matt to the nurse in charge of the ward.  
"Names?"  
"Matt and Davis."   
"I'll see if he wants to see you."  
Ken was lying on his bed, trying to pretend he couldn't hear his parents questions. When the door opened, he opened his eyes, hoping that someone would take them away. It was getting late, surely they wouldn't allow his parents to stay here overnight. He didn't understand why the doctor in the room had let them keep talking to him anyway. Couldn't they see he was upset?  
"Ken, there are two boys to see you, Davis and Matt. Do you want to see them?"  
"Yes" said Ken softly. It was the first word he had spoken since he had come around and found out where he was.  
"I'll bring them."  
"Who are they?" asked Mrs Ichijouji when the nurse had gone. The other doctor looked up sharply. Ken refused to answer.  
"How did you know?" he asked blandly as Matt and Davis entered the door. Matt still had his hand on Davis's arm, restraining him.  
"Kari found your Digivice by the canal." said Matt bluntly. "She showed Tai, who phoned me. I phoned yours, and your mum went and found you."  
"You saved our son!" exclaimed Mrs Ichijouji, and raced over to hug Matt, who looked terrified.  
"I wish you'd mind your own business." said Ken quietly.  
"How can we?" said Davis, who'd managed to extract himself from Matt when Mrs Ichijouji went to hug him. "We need you Ken! You're part of the team - we won't win without you."  
"I don't think this is the time to put pressure on him." said the doctor quickly. "I think the best thing for Ken now is to be left to get some rest."  
"We all need to work together." said Matt, extricating himself from Ken's mother, who was still sobbing. "If we hadn't all been there, we couldn't have won the first time. Without you, the others won't be strong enough. Your control spires have rendered us useless, and we need you to come and fix them."  
"They're deactivated." said Ken flatly. "I can barely remember how they work. Besides, without Wormmon I'm useless anyway."  
"Don't be silly! You're the brainiest of everyone!" said Davis.  
"Ken needs to rest." said the doctor firmly. "Everyone must leave now."  
"We'll see you soon!" called Davis. Matt nodded, and the two left. Ken's parents left too (much more reluctantly) and Ken was left with just the doctor.  
"Aren't you going?" asked Ken.  
"I'm afraid we can't leave you alone right now Ken. I'll be here with you until one of the nurses arrives." Ken nodded, turned away as best as he could considering he was still attached to the tubes. He allowed himself to drift into a despairing, angry fantasy of the perfect death. Next time he would succeed.  
  
I do not want this  
  
"We need to find Wormmon" said Davis as he and Matt walked away from the hospital. "Ken needs him."  
"The Digiegg won't hatch unless Ken's there. We need to get Ken to the Digital World."  
"How are we going to do that? He's hooked up to all those tubes and things."  
"I don't know. Don't forget to tell the others about this tomorrow," said Matt, as Davis walked off towards his own apartment. He then headed to Tai's.  
"He's not dead." he said when Tai opened the door. "We didn't see him for long."  
"You saw him? Don't they only let relatives in?"  
"I said we were cousins, and the nurse didn't check."  
"Lucky. Is he going to be OK?"  
"I don't know really. He looked pretty bad, but his parents didn't look or act like they were expecting him to drop dead at any moment."  
"Is there anything we can do?" asked Tai with concern.  
"Probably only send cards and flowers and stuff. He really needs Wormmon, but for that he needs to get into the Digiworld."  
"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow Matt."  
"Goodnight Tai" said Matt. As he turned away, he heard Tai call his name and turned in time to catch something that Tai threw at him. It was Ken's Digivice. Matt nodded and put it into his pocket.  
  
Davis was quiet in school the next day. He had told the other Digidestined about what happened at the hospital, but to anyone else who asked he simply said he hadn't slept very well.  
"We need to help Ken" he told the others that afternoon in the computer lab. "He needs friends to support him now."  
"But we aren't his friends." said Yolei reasonably. "We're more like enemies than friends, and anyway, we don't even know him. I don't think he'd like it if we showed up and started butting in."  
"He's a Digidestined just like us and we need to help him!" said Davis angrily. "I just don't know how."  
"Maybe he needs Wormmon." said TK thoughtfully.  
"I thought of that, but Matt says he won't have hatched without Ken. Besides, there's no Digiport in the hospital, so Ken can't get to the Digiworld."  
"We could take Izzy's laptop." said TK. "You and Matt got in before, right? So next time you go, you can take Izzy's laptop and open a Digiport there so Ken can go through and get Wormmon."  
"Why are you being so supportive? Ken was the Digimon Emperor! He's evil! We've got more important things to worry about than him." said Iori  
"Ken doesn't deserve to die for what he did" said TK softly, his words carrying clearly across the room. "And I don't want his death on my conscience, so I will help him if I can."  
"I hadn't thought of that" said Iori thoughtfully. "You're right TK."  
"When are you and Matt next going to visit?" asked Kari.  
"I don't know, he hasn't said. I'm going to go to his school now, see if we can go right away." said Davis "I bet Ken's really bored, lying in bed all day."  
"You never know, he might even be glad to see us" said Matt dryly from the doorway. He nodded round at the Digidestined. "You ready Davis?"  
"Yep" said Davis, picking up DemiVeemon and putting him on top of his backpack.  
"You guys might as well go to the Digiworld anyway. You can keep clearing up and keep an eye on things."  
"Right Matt." said TK, giving his brother a slightly pleading look. Matt just beckoned to Davis and went out. TK sighed slightly. "Digiport open!" he said.  
  
  
"Do you think we'll get in?" asked Davis  
"We got in yesterday. If we're careful, we should get in today. Just don't say anything stupid"  
"He'd best not say anything at all then!" laughed DemiVeemon. Davis growled.  
  
  
"Hello Ken, you've got visitors," said a nurse. Ken knew it must be Davis and Matt again. If it'd been his parents, she would have said. "Davis and Matt," she confirmed. "Do you want to see them?"  
"Yes." said Ken. He didn't know why, but he found their presence comforting. He turned his head and watched them as they walked into the room. Davis was visibly uncertain and nervous, darting uneasy glances at the nurse Ken had in the room at all times. Matt looked calm and collected.  
"Hi Ken!" said Davis enthusiastically, giving him a grin. "How are you? You look better than yesterday anyway."  
"Naturally" said Ken sarcastically. "When you saw me yesterday I'd just had my stomach pumped after taking nearly a bottle and a half of Paracetamol. Obviously I wasn't looking my best." Davis looked crushed and Ken felt a momentary pang of guilt.  
"You sound better too," said Matt dryly. He didn't seem to be ruffled at all by what Ken had just said to Davis, but had sat himself calmly on one of the chairs by Ken's bed and was regarding him thoughtfully.  
"How long will you be connected to all those tubes?" he asked curiously.   
"Until tomorrow. I don't know when they'll let me out yet though." 'Let me try again'  
"I expect you'll be in for a few weeks yet." said Matt calmly. "They won't let you out of their sight until they're convinced you won't try again. But you already know that, don't you?"   
Ken nodded, wondering if there was something the blond wasn't telling him.  
"I've brought something for you," said Matt. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Digivice Tai had given him the night before.   
"I don't want it." said Ken when he realised what it was. "You can take it away and destroy it."  
"If you wanted it destroyed you would have done it yourself. You wanted this intact so you could come back to it if you changed your mind." said Matt. "It belongs to you, whether you like it or not."  
  
Don't you tell me how I feel  
You don't know just how I feel  
  
"If you leave it here I will destroy it" said Ken quietly, not managing to hide the anger in his voice completely.  
"No you won't." said Matt, sounding both as if he was simply stating a fact and as if he was making a threat. "I told you, your control spires have reactivated. The others have gone back to the Digiworld today to clean up your mess and try to find out what's going on."  
"And I told you that I can be of no use to you! If all you want to do is lecture me about the Digiworld you can leave."  
"Ken, we can't do it without you!" said Davis. "Stop lying there, feeling sorry for yourself and help us save the Digiworld!"  
"How?"  
"When you're not hooked up to those machines anymore, we're going to bring Izzy's laptop and go with you to the Digiworld. Wormmon won't hatch unless you're there, so we can't bring him to you, but we can take you to him and we will!" said Davis determinedly. "He'll forgive you, you'll see!"  
"He will" said Matt, correctly interpreting Ken's raised eyebrow. "MetalGarurumon forgave me for telling him to fight Agumon."  
"You fought Tai?" said Davis in shock. Ken frowned, his eyes fixed on Matt's face as he waited for Matt's answer.  
"Yes. Tai and I had had a big fight and things were strained between us and the rest of the group. I told you my parents are divorced and TK and I don't live together?" Both the younger Digidestined nodded. "Well, before the divorce, things had been rough. I'd always looked after TK, he was the only person who needed me. I didn't think my parents wanted me after the divorce. TK was growing up. He told me he didn't need me, managed to get himself out of some sticky situations without any help. I began to think that TK had never needed me, that he'd rather be with the others instead of me. I went off by myself and was found by a Digimon called Cherrymon who told me that I could only achieve my potential by defeating my rival, and told me my rival was Tai. I wasn't sure what to do. Garurumon told me he'd be my friend, no matter what. My crest's the Crest of Friendship, so he digivolved into his Megaform - MetalGarurumon. I went and found the others, and attacked them, even though Tai's Digimon was in his rookie form and mine was in mega, two stages up. I changed my mind in the end, but then I left the group and set off on my own. All three of them have forgiven me now. They may not agree with what I did but they understand. Wormmon will forgive you. Your relationship will have changed, but things change all the time, and this is probably a change for the better."  
"You were friends to start with. You don't even know me, and I hurt you. How can you forgive a stranger?"  
"You're hurting Ken. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. The others see that, know that you are sorry for what you did." Matt looked at him, trying to see if he was getting through.  
"Obviously the choice is up to you. It won't be easy, but the others will forgive you and you can be a part of the group. Alternatively, you and Wormmon can work alone, or you can forget the Digiworld altogether."  
"Matt!" exclaimed Davis in horror. "You can't do that!" he told Ken. "The Digiworld'll be destroyed!"  
"It's one of his options" said Matt loudly, cutting across Davis. "I hope that won't be the choice he makes, but it is one. When you've got Wormmon back, then you can make choices. But for now you can just consider your options." He looked at Ken, saw the other boy looked tired and pale.  
"Do you want us to leave now, or just talk about something else?" he asked.  
"Talk, I think." said Ken. Suddenly he knew that he did not want to be left alone with his thoughts. Matt began to tell him a story about one of the members of his band who dyed his hair lime green with hot pink stripes for a bet, but now couldn't get the dye out.  
"And what's worse, the green had faded to a sort of snot colour, and the pink is still just as bright as it was. It looks terrible, and he can't think of a way of removing it."  
"Can't he just dye it back to his original colour?" asked Davis  
"It won't work because it's two colours, and he's broke so he can't afford bleach."  
"Wow." said Davis, shaking his head. "I'm leaving my hair the way it is"  
"What did he spend the money he won on?" asked Ken.  
"Alcohol!" said Matt with a grin. "He wanted to celebrate actually having some money for a change, and spent the lot!"  
"Was it a good celebration?"  
Matt grinned. "One of the best. For some reason the girls flocked round him. I suppose his hair made him stand out. It looked better when it was new."  
Davis laughed, and began telling Ken a story about football. After they'd been there an hour, Matt decided it was time to leave.  
"Come on, your mum'll go mad if you don't get home soon." he said to Davis.  
"Bye Ken!" said Davis cheerfully. "We'll bring Izzy's laptop tomorrow, when you've had all those tubes out."  
"Thanks for coming" said Ken softly, so softly that Davis didn't catch it. Matt did however, and he grinned at Ken before opening the door.  
"See you tomorrow" he said, shooing Davis out in front of him. Then he paused and looked at Ken.  
"Here, catch." he said. He threw something at Ken before walking out of the room. Ken reached out with his right hand and caught the Digivice. At the sight of it, the good mood brought on by the cheerful patter of the two Digidestined evaporated. Silently cursing Matt, he put it carelessly onto the table and flopped back against his pillows, closing his eyes.  
  
I stay inside my bed  
I have lived so many lives all in my head  
  
"How are you feeling now Ken?"  
Ken opened his eyes and gave the doctor a blank stare. The doctor ignored it, giving him a cheerful smile.  
"How do you think I feel?" he said, closing his eyes and leaning back on his pillow.  
"I know things have been difficult for you lately Ken, and I'm here to tell you what's going to happen now." Ken kept his eyes closed, turning his face away from the doctor. There was no change in the doctor's voice to show that she'd been upset by this obvious insult.  
"Tomorrow you'll be taken to see our psychologist, who'll talk about things with you. I'm afraid you'll have to stay in hospital until she says you can go home, but that probably won't be very long. Do you understand me Ken?" Ken stayed still, waiting.  
"I'm afraid I have to stay until you tell me you've understood what I'm telling you."  
"I understand. Now go away." Ken didn't even open his eyes, just lay there. He heard the doctor say something softly to the nurse, then heard her leave. No sooner had the door closed behind her then it opened again. 'What now?' thought Ken angrily.  
"Ken honey, it's us." Ken rolled his eyes behind his eyelids. 'Just what I need. Weeping and wailing. If they even mention Osamu, I'm kicking them out.'   
"Hello" he said flatly, keeping his head turned away.  
"We brought you chocolates," his father said.   
"Your favourite kind!" added his mother.   
"Thank you," said Ken blankly. He could hear them moving the chairs around, making themselves comfortable. He wished he could be left in peace. He wished he had his razor.  
"What did the doctor say?" asked his father.  
"That I will be taken to the psychologist tomorrow, and I can only go home when she says."  
"Tomorrow eh? That's good. I know you'll be home in no time." said his father, his voice sounding forced and harsh in the silent room.  
"Ken baby, won't you look at us?"  
Ken opened his eyes and turned to stare blankly at her. She looked at him, them dissolved into tears.  
"You told me to look at you." said Ken coldly. "I have always tried to do what you want. It's hard sometimes, that's all."  
"We wanted you to be happy!" his father said. "We never wanted anything like this, Ken."  
Ken shrugged, turning that blank, lifeless gaze onto his father.  
"I apologise for being who I am." he said quietly.  
"Enough of this!" said his mother, obviously trying to be cheerful. Ken could hear her voice catching in her throat, a slightly nasal tone in her voice due to her tears.  
"Let's change the subject, shall we?" She began to tell Ken a story about a woman at work. Ken turned to face her, letting his gaze drift past her until she was a blurred jumble of shapes, a jigsaw puzzle of a woman who didn't quite fit together any more. 'But no, that's me, not her, isn't it?' he thought. He was relieved when his parents left and he could give in to the tears that had been threatening to drown him.  
  
Don't tell me that you care  
There really isn't anything, is there?  
  
Ken was quite pleased to get dressed the following day, though not so pleased to have to see the psychologist. 'More questions I can't answer.' he thought gloomily. 'If I tell them about what happened in the Digital World, will they arrest me or put me in an asylum?' Ken pondered this question in silence all the way to the office. 'I'll just say what she wants me to.' he resolved as he was shown inside. 'That'll be easier anyway.'  
"Hello Ken. I'm Mrs Ameson, but you can call me Jane. Why don't you take a seat, make yourself comfortable."  
The woman behind the desk was young, quite pretty in a tired sort of way, red hair pulled back off her face, a long green dress and pale blue eyes. Ken sat down quietly, folded his hands in his lap and looked at her. She gave him a smile.  
"Is there anywhere you want to start? I know you probably don't want to be here, but I want you to know that anything you say in here will not be reported back to your parents, and is in fact strictly confidential, as are your medical records. We are here to help you, make you feel better."  
"Where do you want to start?" asked Ken, ignoring all her words.  
"What do you think is important?" she asked. Ken shrugged, keeping his gaze impassive. She waited for a while, then nodded.  
"I believe you ran away from home recently. Would you like to talk about that?" she said.  
"OK." said Ken. "What do you want me to tell you about it?"  
"Why did you decide to run away?" she asked bluntly.  
"Lots of reasons." said Ken. He debated whether to stop there, make her ask another question, but decided that seeming too hostile would count against him.  
"I'm always under a lot of pressure. I suppose it all got too much. I decided to go away, try and get myself sorted out."  
"And did it work?"  
"No. I made things worse, just added in more problems. I don't like the person I have become."  
"And who is that?"  
"I don't know," lied Ken, looking at the floor. 'The Digimon Emperor,' he thought. 'Owner of living beings, who kills and tortures for fun.'  
"Where did you go to?" she asked, looking at him sympathetically.  
"A place I often went after my brother died. I just decided to go and not come home."  
"How old were you when your brother died?"  
"Eight, nearly nine. Osamu was a genius, but it didn't stop him getting knocked down by a car."  
"Tell me about Osamu."  
"Osamu was eleven and a genius. My parents were always really proud of him. He won lots of prizes and things. Everyone said he was such a nice little boy. He taught me how to blow soap bubbles." said Ken, falling silent as he thought about Osamu.  
"Do you think about him often?"  
"All the time!" said Ken, surprised by the question. "He was my older brother, and although we fought occasionally, we got on pretty well most of the time. I think about him every day, and so do my parents."  
"How do you know they do?"  
"I sometimes hear them talking about him at night. We've still got his certificates on the wall. Sometimes they look at me, but I know they're really seeing him."  
"So when you said earlier that you are under a lot of pressure, some of it is connected to Osamu?"  
Ken paused slightly. He knew the answer was yes, but he had a suspicion that the woman was getting a lot more out of this conversation that he wanted to say.  
"Maybe." he said. "He was a genius, and my friend. I miss him a lot."  
There was a pause.  
"I believe you work very hard at school?" Jane asked, looking at him in a friendly way.  
"Yes." said Ken.  
"What's your favourite hobby?" Ken opened his mouth to say computers, but the word stuck in his throat.  
"I don't have any hobbies." he said blankly. "Not any more."  
"And why's that?"  
"No reason." said Ken flatly, turning his head to look out of the window, remembering Wormmon dying in his arms.  
"My information here says that you are very good with computers. Wouldn't you consider that a hobby?"  
"I just told you, I don't have any hobbies!" said Ken, a note of anger sliding into his voice, no matter how hard he tried to keep it out.  
"I see. Well, I think that's enough for now Ken. I'll call a nurse to take you back to the ward. I don't think you should go back to bed though. I'll arrange for someone to take you for a walk, get you some fresh air. OK?"  
"OK." said Ken. The idea of going outside was quite nice. He sat in silence, listening while the psychologist called for the nurse and gave her some instructions.  
Ken hadn't realised how long he had spent with the psychologist. When he returned to the ward, he found Davis and Matt waiting for him. Matt was sitting on a chair, Davis was lying on his bed, and looked like he was complaining.  
"Where've you been?" asked Davis when he saw him, leaping up with a grin. "The nurse just said we could wait for you, not where you'd gone."  
"Psychologist." said Ken shortly, sitting down on his bed. In one way he was glad to see them, but he really didn't want to talk about anything else that day.  
"I hate them." said Matt calmly. "Interfering pigs, the lot of them!"  
"Have you seen one?" asked Davis in interest, sprawling over the foot of the bed again.  
"After my parents split up. I was caught shoplifting - taking lipstick. The tenth time, they decided I needed help."  
"And did it help?" asked Ken despite himself.  
"I would say no, I just decided to stop taking stuff because it was a pain being asked questions. My dad would say that after I went to the psychologist, my behaviour improved and my grades picked back up to what they'd been before the divorce."  
"What's it like seeing a psychologist?" asked Davis, fascinated by these crazy people.  
"Yap, yap, yap!" said Matt with a laugh. "You have to get in touch with your true self AND talk about it. My inner self didn't like me, so I've repressed him."  
Ken laughed, unable to resist it.  
"But won't that lead to psychological problems?" asked Davis in amazement.  
"Probably!" said Matt. "If you see me running amok with a chainsaw, you'll know it did!"  
"Wow!" said Davis. "Is TW as crazy as you?"  
"Who's TW?" asked Ken curiously.  
"TK, my little brother." explained Matt. "Davis forgets his name to show him that he's no real rival in the contest to win Kari's affections."  
"Hey!" protested Davis.  
"I don't know what you're making a fuss about, everyone knows you like Kari. Even Kari knows you like her! You've never made any attempt to hide it, so why should I?"  
Davis looked puzzled and Ken laughed.  
"What about you? Who do you like?" he asked Matt.  
"No one really." said Matt, looking thoughtful.  
"Do you know Sora likes you?" asked Davis, his confusion forgotten.  
"Sora's the tall red-head?" asked Ken.  
"Yes. I do know she likes me. I'm hoping if I ignore her, she'll go away." said Matt.  
"That's cruel!" said Davis.  
"I know, but she hasn't actually asked me out, and it's unkind to just refuse her unless she does, plus it makes me look really arrogant! If she asks me out, I'll say no."  
"Why? She's quite pretty really." said Ken.  
"I don't like her particularly, and besides, Tai likes her. It'd be mean to go out with her when Tai likes her."  
"I don't see why it matters. If Kari wanted to go out with me, I'd say yes, never mind TH!"  
"TK isn't your best friend though, and you actually like Kari. I don't like Sora in that way, and Tai and I have been friends for ever! Besides," said Matt, a wicked twinkle appearing in his eye. "Relationships are just too much bother. Time for that when I'm older."  
"Most 17 year olds wouldn't say that." said Ken, who had guessed at the meaning of the twinkle, and was wondering whether Davis knew.  
"I guess I'm just mature!" said Matt, exchanging a knowing grin with Ken.  
"Then what do you do when you go out with the band?" asked Davis.  
"Use your imagination!" said Matt with a laugh. Davis looked thoughtful for a second, then turned purple and fell off the bed.  
"That's got rid of him for a while!" said Matt with a laugh. Ken snickered. "How do you feel about going to the Digital World with us tomorrow?" asked Matt casually.  
The good mood created by Matt's banter instantly evaporated.  
"Why do you always have to spoil it?" he asked bitterly. "Why can't you just leave it for once?"  
"I'm sorry." said Matt, looking slightly taken aback by the venom in Ken's voice. Davis appeared from behind the bed, looking scared.  
"I just want you to be happier in the long run, not just now, and for that I think you need Wormmon." explained Matt, refusing to back down under the force of Ken's glare. "Now, what do you say? If we can get Izzy's laptop in here, we'll go and get Wormmon from the primary village. Yes or no?"  
"I don't think so. I don't want anything to do with the Digiworld."  
"I know it's hard for you Ken, but you don't really have a choice. You've been chosen for a reason, even if you don't know why, and we need you. You have to go back there and face it."  
  
You would know, wouldn't you?  
  
"And if I can't face it? Why do you think I'm in here? I tried and I failed Matt! I can't get Wormmon back. I can't help save the Digital World. I can't even save myself. You might as well just leave and stop wasting your time."  
"You're stronger than you think Ken. Everyone has bad times in their lives, everyone has times when they don't want to go on, but you've got people who want to help you. We can help you if you'll let us. Let us help you Ken."  
  
You extend your hand to those who suffer  
to those who know what it really feels like  
to those who've had a taste  
  
"No one can help me." said Ken softly. "I'm too far gone. This is not me, the person I was is destroyed, broken beyond repair. I am already dead inside, and if it weren't for you interfering this physical shell would be dead as well. There's nothing you can do."  
"I know I can't understand Ken, but maybe this is a transitional phase, and you'll go through it and come out a better person."  
  
Like that means something  
  
"Don't talk rubbish Matt! That sounds like religion 'And you will be reborn in His image' or something. Don't tell me you believe in that crap."  
"Religion serves a purpose, Ken. It might help you to believe that your brother is in a better place and doesn't suffer any more."  
"I can believe he exists somewhere else without pain, but I can't go to him?"  
  
and oh so sick I am  
  
"It isn't your time yet!" said Matt feverishly, leaning forward to stare at Ken, the calm exterior gone to reveal a person talking with the fire of belief. "You will see your brother again, but not yet. He wouldn't want you to hurry to him, he'd want you to be happy. Wherever he is, he understands now. You have to wait for that understanding, and in the meantime you have to make choices as best as you can."  
"But none of you will let me make my own choices! You all know what you want me to do and that's the choice you want me to make!" Ken was surprised to realise he was crying, he swiped futilely at the tears, trying to wipe them away.  
  
and maybe I don't have a choice  
and maybe that is all I have  
and maybe this is a cry for help  
  
"But Ken, we don't want you to die," said Davis. When Ken looked at him, he was surprised to see that the other boy was crying too. "We'd miss you. Please come with us Ken."  
"Why are you crying?" he asked, ignoring Davis's words.  
"Because you're hurting," explained Davis. "I don't like to see people hurt. Let us go with you and get Wormmon back. Things won't be better immediately, but they'll improve. Please Ken?" He stared at Ken, tears trickling down his face. There was a pause. Ken stared from him to Matt and back again. Then he nodded once, and gave in to tears again, sobbing wholeheartedly. He heard movement, felt a hand on his back. He buried his face in Matt's chest and allowed the tears to rule him. Matt stroked his hair soothingly. Ken thought he could feel a slight catch in his breathing that might mean Matt was crying too. He could hear Davis sniffling.  
Presently he sat up, looking slightly embarrassed. He reached for the box of tissues on the bedside table and took some before passing the box down to Davis.  
"Thank you," he said softly. "I'll go to the Digiworld as soon as we can."  
"No problem" said Matt. His eyes looked red, but he didn't seem to have been crying. Davis nodded.  
"It's OK Ken." he said, giving the other boy a watery grin. "I've got to go now or my mum will kill me, but we'll come back tomorrow with Izzy's laptop." Matt stood up and stretched.  
"Don't worry Ken." he said. "It's all OK."  
"Welcome to the team." added Davis, picking up his bag and heading for the door.  
Ken smiled.  
  
  
Well, there you go. I know my knowledge of procedures needed when attempted suicides are taken into hospital are sketchy, but I hope this was OK. My knowledge of psychologists is mostly obtained from the book 'The Language of Goldfish' by Zibby O'Neal and my mum's friend who is a child psychologist. Any glaring errors, please tell me in your review. Also, if anyone knows Japanese names and surnames (especially surnames!), can you provide some, as I've run out! 


End file.
